This Christmas I will not be speaking to my friend of 16 years. Why??? Well after years of reading his Facebook posts I slowly and painfully discovered that my white friend was a racist. Initially I tried to ignore it but as an African American man I could no longer stomach his increasingly toxic, race fueled comments that were initially veiled as just boisterous, conservative rhetoric. After debating him online for years over politics, race and social topics I finally had an epiphany. I could no longer excuse “Adam” by brushing him off as being a hyper-conservative republican. His truth was undeniable. However, I chose not to confront Adam about it, instead I quietly un-friended him on Facebook. Weeks later he confronted me and unloaded a barrage of online insults accusing me of being the actual racist and a “radical” for calling out discrimination, something I’ve aggressively done for years on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and on my personal blog/website.
Initially I blamed Facebook and the bold frontier of social media, a place where like-minded individuals are able to find strength in numbers in pack like mentality as the source of Adam’s racism. But after deeper reflection I believe it is the rising public influence of social media combined with an unconscious internal racial/class angst within Adam and many other white Americans that has now spewed to the surface with the election and re-election of the nation’s first Black President, Barack Obama.
Adam and I are about two years or so apart in age, both from the state of Alabama, both attended The University of Alabama although we didn’t know each other in college. Four years later we bumped into each other in Atlanta where we both worked for the same company. We vaguely recognized each other, discovered our mutual roots, college friends and quickly bonded as friends ourselves. Oddly, our racial differences didn’t seem to matter especially since we both hailed from a state richly steeped in a tradition of hatred, slavery, Jim Crow segregation and racial discrimination.
Our twenties quickly turned into our thirties as we both chased our careers crisscrossing the nation with eight moves and five cities between us but we always stayed in touch. I remember once when I was going through financial challenges in Los Angeles, Adam gave me a financial gift to keep me going. So we weren’t just causal buddies, we were genuine friends.
The Change Began in 2008
It was the election of America’s first Black President that was the initial trigger. Adam’s criticism of the President, the economy and its sluggish growth, high unemployment along with his 2012 staunch support of Mitt Romney for president and his criticism of Obamacare is what blew open the divide between us. Although these online conflicts are common between social media users and their “friends,” our conflict was much different and far deeper.
We weren’t just men hiding behind computer screens and mouse pads. We were real life friends who shared secrets, hosted each other in our homes, supported, advised and even prayed for one another. Now we were at odds with each other via social media and it was about to get much worse. As the great recession lingered, Adam became unemployed for a long time and felt significant angst about his place in the world and ability to sustain himself. He increasingly blamed Pres. Obama for not fixing the economy fast enough. Meanwhile I was forced to completely abandon my media consulting small business in order to run back to a corporate 9-5 job when my client base dried up. But instead of blaming Pres. Obama I blamed his predecessor Pres. George W. Bush along with the Republican led filibustering within the US Senate which blocked crucial jobs bills which would have grown the economy faster. So our initial online clashes were over who really was to blame for our forced and dramatic career changes and life shifting situations.
By 2012 Adam was unabashedly lifting talking points from far right leaning FOX News network and spewing them across his Facebook feed without an ounce of criticism towards his own Republican party for its constant obstructionism, filibustering of key legislation and judicial nominations along with its gerrymandering of voting districts to seize control of the House of Representatives. He never addressed the conservative led 36 state Voter-ID “suppression” efforts which sought to reduce early voting, the number of hours to vote, plus stopped voter registration drives and blocked students at private historically black colleges and other universities from voting in the states where they attended school.
Similarly I never lived in an era where blacks were captive to slavery and segregationist Jim Crow laws but I still felt the disadvantages and hurdles growing up and becoming an African American man trying to understand why it seemed so much harder for me to succeed even though I tried, worked and networked three times harder as my white counterparts both in business and within the workplace.Adam and I both felt internal angst about America and achieving the American dream but in two very different directions. While Adam’s angst and path is often sympathized, even lauded at times, my angst and path is often discounted, demonized and scoffed as being simply excuses.
Adam and I represent a microcosm of American society and its growing chasm and obsession with race and class. It’s a battle between a dying demographic (white conservatives) versus a young, growing, dynamic, multi-ethnic, multi-racial demographic which when combined with women, gays, elderly and the poor are finally having their issues and voices heard and addressed.
There’s a belief by the former group that somehow they are losing something when other groups gain their rights or have their grievances addressed. They fear they might be retaliated against once all avenues of politics, business and social dealings are no longer brokered by themselves. It is a fear I believe is striking at the center of Adam’s heart.
Today neither one of us is swayed by the other’s arguments and we exist as polar opposites in the world. So is our 16 year friendship worth saving? The answer for me this Christmas is I’m not so sure.
Herndon L. Davis is a former media activist turned corporate schmuck . He can be reached at herndondavis@aol.com and at www.youtube.com/HLDATL.
Article originally posted on: http://herndondavis.blogspot.com
Our Legaci with J.A.M. Aiwuyor 
Social media brings out the ugly in so many people. Thank you for such an introspective post. I think it speaks volumes about race relations and friendships and more. On one hand its tragic, on the other its good because I would rather know how the other person really feels.
I experienced a similar situation, where I had to delete a friend from high school. He was constantly posted “obama communist” and anti-immigrant rhetoric on his timeline. After a Facebook face-off, I eventually deleted him and blocked a friend of his.
Herndon I understand your feelings. However, your first mistake was to allow a racist to enter your space. We all want to believe that the world is fair and that most people are good. However, racism runs deeps and some scars are impenetrable. Alabama has centuries of racism at its core. When children are raised in such a culture, most often it is the fault of parents to correct attitudes ingrained early. Your ‘friend’ has such a background. I suggest that you go on without him and look to more positive people as friends. You cannot change a person’s true color, heaped in racists attitude and rants.
Jam I know what you mean I had one high school friend that I had to delete because of his racist views after the president was elected. I have no place in my life for racist people because I was raised in the foster care system by a black mother and later on by a white mother. I want to believe in all of the white people who were a part of my life then and believe that they love and respect me. Although, I am reminded of the history of African Americans and growing up in Alabama and I know that sometimes race can be an issue and can divide friends and family. I always tell my daughters that being friends with people of other races is a good thing, but never forget that racism still lives and when things about politics and race comes up those loyalties will but put to the test. I can painfully say that I have witnessed many of my white friends saying some hurtful things and it causes me to wonder?
I just unfriended a high school “friend” for sharing a post from “Keep America American.” I am too proud and too black to have that crap in my face. No fights, no hate just unfriended her and remembered I went to high school in Ocean Springs, MS. and have very few classmates I have not unfriended yet!
I completely understand. Sometimes it’s best to just unfriend. I had to realize this myself. Some people say some really ignorant things on FB and Twitter. Sometimes, I don’t unfriend. I just change the settings so that I no longer see any of their posts.
I identify as white and liberal. I have FB friends who post things like the author mentions. I haven’t unfriended them, because I research and rebut their posts. Not that I believe I will change their opinions, but that I want the others who read their posts to also perhaps see the rebuttal (which usually includes a point about evidence and credible sources). It’s sort of my little public service, now that I am retired and have the luxury of time for research.
Sabrina when you have people who says keep America American just excuse them because no one here is American, but the American Indian who was here before anyone came here. You see people sometimes try to make up their own history and history is that everyone is foreign to this land, but the American Indian.
It is indeed a cultural shock when one realizes that America inhales utopian ideals and exhales a dystopian reality which fosters cognitive dissonance.
This line sums it up: While Adam’s angst and path is often sympathized, even lauded at times, my angst and path is often discounted, demonized and scoffed as being simply excuses.
I don’t explain or feel any guilt or angst – I simply unfriend and move on. And once I was the recipient of a similar type email – I asked the sender why they thought I would be interested in such an email and please don’t send me any more of those types of emails. I haven’t heard from her since and that’s fine.
I don’t think it could’ve been written any better than you just did. We live in the same country but on opposite ends of the spectrum. I work in a hospital…11 yrs…same co-workers. Most of the white workers would rather watch the paint dry on the walls that say hello to me…but when they need something heavy lifted there the nicest person in the world. One of our doctors talks about Pres Obama as if everything bad in the world was created by him. I got so mad one day I just let him have it and now he’s afraid to talk to me. I didn’t have many white friends growing up in the south (New Orleans). I was told many times as a kid by white adults “I don’t want you playing with my son” “You can’t come in my house” “I don’t like your kind” That’s hard for a kid to understand but I lived through it.
“There’s a belief by the former group that somehow they are losing something when other groups gain their rights or have their grievances addressed. They fear they might be retaliated against once all avenues of politics, business and social dealings are no longer brokered by themselves.”
I mean you just nailed it right there. That is what the fear is about , if it’s not white and male dominated then it must be wrong. Unless those white males are gay and then it’s an abomination. It’s sad to see how these times have shown peoples true colors and via social media have been the demise of so many “friendships”.
I’ve come to the same conclusion about a friend of 40 years. It is not only the threatened white men– women are jumping on board too. I think I’m more shocked by the women……… Where have they been?
I belong to a multicultural church. On facebook I have learned similar things. The hatred of our president by so called Christians. The lack of humanity felt for those less off in this country, while volunteering to go on missionary trips around the world. The black and white thinking they engage in. Your either with us of against us. When our President was elected and again re-elected I thought something changed. But the ugly face of racism reared its head. I believe God wanted us to know that the fight was not over, but that it had just begun.]
This was a very interesting article. I’ve had to unfriend people because of their total lack of respect for others. Some things for me just shouldn’t be said. Yes you are entitled to free speech but doesn’t mean it should be shared. It is amazing how bold people get behind a computer screen
I have lost a handful of secondary white friends from suspected racism by canceling what I see from them on FB or by unfriending them altogether. I have lost twice a many African American friends after letting them know I am an atheist.
i had a similar experience this year as well with a “friend” i’ve had (or so i thought) since kindergarten (i’m 31). our points of contention became inescapably apparent after the fiasco that was the paula deen lawsuit and the “shocking” revelation of her usage of the “n word”. this young woman and i were girl scouts together, studied together, took the SAT’s together, and graduated from high school together. i was there for her when her father committed suicide and never once considered her anything other than a friend, even though we are from two entirely different backgrounds. well…. i believe most of my caucasian friends had no idea that my knowledge of self and desire to point out injustices and highlight white privilege existed, or that i’d become so vocal. growing up in an abusive and dysfunctional home, my introversion was my way of staying sane. once i graduated and matriculated, i was free to be as outspoken as my heart desired.
i said all of this to say, i can somewhat understand how you feel. it’s painful when you are faced with the reality that the duality we are forced to juxtapose with our existence is never enough to eschew the nastiness that is white privilege and bigotry, no matter how close to our hearts and homes the perpetrator is. i’m still friends with her on facebook, but after i confronted her one a status about my experiences in high school, the same high school she attended, we haven’t communicated and she’s limited her opinions to blurbs and memes; not that the two events are related, but i asked her to correct me if i was wrong, still waiting on that correction….
I look at my Facebook friends list and I can still probably count my truest friends on one hand, maybe two. I often wonder how many of these people would I honestly associate with if it were not for social media. The there are those that I do not talk to ofter but do enjoy the occasional chat or email or even an update to see how they are doing. There are some that I have noticed the same thing about, many claim not to be racist but before President Obama was elected I never saw the type of things said about him (Pres. Obama) said about G.W. Bush, not even close. Bottom line Bush is the reason the nation is in the place it is in, Not Obama. Everything President Obama has tried to do in the name of fixing what is wrong with this country has been blocked, and some to only later be reintroduced by some of the same ones that blocked his plan. The republicans said from day one they were not going to support anything this President did, and they haven’t . I have seen very negative statements about this president posted on social media from calling him the welfare president to comparing him to a monkey or ape. it is time for the good ole boys to sit down and let the Americans that really embrace the American dream and all that it offers take their rightful places in society. Oh Yeah, Most other groups may have come here of their own free will but my group was forced to come here and live in bondage for may years, then once freed treated like a second class citizen based solely on the color of our skin instead of the content of our character. Keep your head up Brother…
Herndon, this is good stuff. I am so sorry that your friendship ended. I too have lost friends over similar disagreements; however, sometimes it is necessary.
Yeah, well join the club when it comes to un-friending people on Facebook. I’ve lost FIVE, count them, FIVE friends since this last election. Every single one of them were people I had known for more than 15 years; one went back over 20 years. Oh, and did I mention that I’m white? It wasn’t as though there was anything overtly racist in any of the postings by these people, but rather, it was the belligerent opposition to ANYTHING even remotely pro-Obama that started to irritate me. Once words such as Kenyan, communist, terrorist, and birth certificate started getting thrown around with zeal, that’s when I knew these people were just reaching for any excuse they could to discredit our president.
I know it sounds simplistic, but it’s hard for me to articulate that somehow I just KNEW that these people who I thought of as friends, had a deep resentment that our president was black, but were savvy enough to know that to outright admit they disliked him because of his race would be a big no-no. These are the kinds of people that I’ve never really heard described before ;the kind that don’t mind being EQUAL to black people, but the thought of being LED by a black person or of one having the ultimate power in the world, is simply not acceptable to them. I liken it to the white parents that don’t mind if you have black friends as long as you don’t want to date or marry a black person. As long as you don’t cross that line, everything is hunky-dory. These are the kinds of white people who will argue with you and me (and trust me, I know, because I’ve been there) until they are blue in the face, about how NOT racist they are.
It pained me to have to cut these people loose because I don’t have a large network of friends. I tend to cherish the friendships I have, but I had become ashamed and disgusted by them. More importantly, I had grown to really dislike them. It truly made me question my sense of good judgement, for had I known that deep down they were ‘that way’, I would have never allowed them to become my friend. It just seems to me that since Obama was elected, the true colors of some people are starting to show and definitely NOT in a good way.
I’ve done the same with people posting racist stuff on FB and I’m tired of seeing Obama anger on there too. It’s great to get rid of negative energy and people.
What’s really captivating about this article is the fact that *technology* has been the most blessed tool for minorities in America! Over the past few decades, radio, and then especially television, has opened the minds of Americans from various backgrounds who have been “on the fence” with issues such as race. Once they *see* their “neighbors” open a firehose on people who have done nothing but stand up for their rights, they get off of the fence and assist in the good fight for justice.
Now we’re in the social media age, and many of the children of those neighbors who used the firehose on innocent people are now trying to employ an digital firehose aimed at people who are *still* fighting for a fair playing field! Thank God for technology that continues to be used as a tool of justice!
Well done.
I have unfriended and blocked many a Facebook friend for multiple reasons, including blatant racism and conflicting spiritual beliefs. A friend and I discussed this online, and we agree, that your profile is there for you, you use it for your own reasons. I personally like to connect with like-minded people and to keep up with family. If there is too much negativity, I either block them from my newsfeed, unfriend them or block them altogether. I used to alert people, but enough of my friends know me now well enough to know my beliefs. I seldom, if ever, give advanced warning. At times I have given explanation to those who have asked it of me, as a courtesy, but I don’t even have to do that. I used to feel horribly guilty for standing up for myself. I have felt, and still feel often, like Questlove described: “the opposite of entitled”. It is definitely historically rooted in my ancestral history as an African American, and I should not keep feeling it. I sometimes still do, but not as often anymore.
You have the right to peace without chaos in your life. Leave that friendship alone, at least for now, maybe forever. No shame. No guilt.
I understand how you feel, especially since I’m a full Native American and have issues with what has happened to the land of my ancestors, which was stolen by force and murder without any regret or apology, or attempt to redress the situation.
To be someone’s friend who is so anathema to your own beliefs, experiences, and core beliefs means you either have to convince him, sell out your own values, or give up and just realize you will make do with others who would, eventually, vote your way of life out of existence.
For me, the answer is I cannot do that. I am definitely an outcast in society, and sooner or later those who represent my ancestors’ way of life will cease to exist. That should occur sooner, not later. Good luck. Be strong, and if people really educate themselves, gather together, run for office, and vote en masse, there is a shred of hope to be found and held onto. However, it will not be easy. Are the important things in life ever easy?
whats even more evident is how successfully the political leadership and the media promotes divisiveness that makes understanding or compassion among people of different classes and races near impossible. When this sort of divisiveness is being promoted by people holding the highest level of authority in the country, you have to worry about the future of the nation. Im sure it is good for winning elections and high ratings, but at what point do they say, they are taking it too far? You and this person had an opportunity to have a friendship that goes beyond racial differences, at one point he may even have been in a position to better understand African American culture, but the message being promoted from the top down is one of division and you are both a product of this environment.
Have we figured out yet that multi-culturalism does not work? That racism is here to stay as it is the basis and foundation of this country’s ultimate rise to power. It (multi-culturalism) is not an ideal to aspire to and in fact, should be abandoned immediately by people of color in particular. It is an extension of White Supremist ideology. It tells those who’ve come to this country to forget who their ancestors were in order to adopt the views, ways and cultural norms of those who sought and successfully might I add, re-wrote history as neither factual or true. I also grew up one of few blacks in a white community and suffered as most of do. If it weren’t for those black people in the community coming together, I may have loved others more than I love myself. This is also a religious ideology that stems from Christianity, another tool/weapon used to distract and set in law that racism is not only legal but morally acceptable . I am sure that there are many on here who would unfriend me, White and Black, for the truths that I share on FB and one-on-one. The facts are that I have no energy or desire to continue to befriend, support or sympathize with those who benefit from White privilege, white or Black, and who have a tendency to suffer from “cognitive dissonance” themselves in order to feel better about themselves and a current system in America and the world over , that is STILL to this day run by a White Supremist-run machine. It is so blatant and yet some of you, White and Black, refuse to see the forest for the trees. Wake up, Grow up. This is my advice, cause no matter how “nice” a person you are or capable or intelligent, religious, etc….. there are LAWS and FEAR and GUILT and TRADITION that secure the position of Whites in this country and the world over. This is not going to change unless a generation of youth repent for their ancestors sins and become educated and informed about the true history of the relationship of Blacks and Whites. And this will take ALOT of money and efforts by both….changing school textbooks and curriculums, granting blacks reparations based what other groups have historically received them and are now able to prosper in ways that Blacks do not; real efforts for equality that surpass what some might call socialism; loss of power and position in every aspect of life, socially, economically, politically for those who’ve traditionally held them. Can you imagine it? Probably not. Would you be willing to do what it takes to make this happen? No matter how and who it would affect to see that justice is done? Here are a few questions that some of you who claim that you are not racist or suffer from a black inferiority complex can ask those FB friends to determine who you can be “friends” with or not. But I think most of you won’t do this and won’t take any stand at all unless it benefits you and your immediate family, and circle of friends. I’m not even sure why this article was written. The author has already identified himself as a “corporate schmuck”. That pretty much let’s you know where he is coming from and how much he will sacrifice to make all that he has claimed as righteous and fair in America a reality. This is equally applicable to those Whites who think that by sympathizing with the Blacks is enough. It’s not. There is a collective unconsciousness that must be acknowledged and addressed before real change can take place. History is our best teacher, and I tell you, I am not holding my breath waiting for “people” to wake up, change and take up the cause. Good luck to those of you who are……..”can’t we all just get along?” The answer is no. Not when the interests of one group and all of those who are related is to maintain power and keep in place a system which only largely benefits themselves and a few other tokens from time to time. That is the sad reality. You can infuse your idealism if you so choose, but this would only be perpetuating the lie of the American Dream. Do something about it! Stop coddling those whites and blacks who prefer ignorance over progress of spirit and humanity. UNFRIEND them, please! But shore up with the knowledge and spiritual wisdom that you will need to continue to deal with the products of America’s anti-culture and broken society.
We don’t know one another, and I can’t know what your experiences of racism feel like, letalone to uncover it in a long-time friend. I can imagine it’s incredibly disappointing, and that somewhere you must have hope for reconciliation or you wouldn’t have written this. I know what sexism, misogyny and rape culture has felt like as I’ve opened my eyes to their prevalence in much of my former friend base, and I can tell you inexplicably that there are many, many white people out there who are working their fucking asses off to own their privilege and learn as much as they can to make a dent in this racism cesspool country, who support our Black President for his successes and his mistakes, and that you sir deserve far better than what this unconscious asshat is offering you in his friendship at this time in his life. Maybe this might inspire http://blog.neevita.net/archives/17488 – Thank you for writing this. ❤
First of all Let’s say right off- there’s a way to legitimately critique Obama based on principles without being racist or even offensive, though this usually comes from progressives [whites, Blacks & others], & seldom comes from white [& even ‘Black]’ FOX Noise / Tea-Bagger type reactionary Repugs.
One thing about the internet- its anonymity allows folks to say just what they think without, hiding behind a PC mask. It’s my observation that every time there’s a hot-button issue w racial overtones {IE: the Mike Brown, Trayvon, et-al killings], blatant racist & even those NOT so blatantly racist but showing definite bias against &/or lack of empathy for the Black victim(s) show up & make their presence known even on white ‘progressive’ sites IE: TRNN, Common Dreams, AlterNet, Truth-out, etc- though on these sites they’re usually a small but very vocal minority [but remember these sites are just a small niche market vis-a-vis more main-stream sites]. But when one goes to more main-stream ‘liberal’-‘centrist’ leaning sites IE: Yahoo, AOL, WaPost, etc- BLATANT [& Not so ‘blatant’] RACISTS often / usually make-up a solid majority of the commentors!!! I don’t even bother looking at what’s being spewed on sites like Faux News’ / FOX Noise’s site- which is likely more popular than any really progressive site IE: DN!.
And it doesn’t even have to be racially-charged hot-button issues like [mainly white] Cops gunning down Blacks [both men, women, children & elders] w near impunity. Just go back & review some of the ‘Hate-Her-Aide’ filled comments made against the Williams sisters thru-out their out-standing careers- by white allegedly ‘US’ ‘tennis fans’- How often they ended up cheering Against the Williams sisters & FOR their [white] NON-American tennis opponents!!!
Stumbled on this post from a Google search on losing friends over racism. While my struggles have not been the same (as a white woman) I have to say that the course of the friendship you described is a lot like one that I just ended decisively today.
Like you, I was friends with this person for many years and had been in a very close friendship (admittedly, almost a romantic feeling at some point). Like you, I had many things in common with this person. Like you, I saw current events bring out a growing vitriol, paranoia, and racism in this person who had been so close to me. It finally got to the point where I was getting physically sick reading her racist jokes and her rants about shooting protesters and lashing out at Obama and supporting the militia movement.
Like you, I cut her off without saying anything and like you, I got an angry string of e-mails from her where she ardently denied her racism and accused me of being intolerant and closed-minded while showing just how racist she was. In my case, she recommended that I read a series of pseudo-scholarly books like “Race Differences in Intelligence: An Evolutionary Analysis” which was the first time I realized just how far over the edge into white supremacist stupidity she had really gone.
It’s hard seeing so many friendships and family relations buckle and collapse under the stress of racial tension, and it’s even harder to remain a committed ally to social justice when I come from a segment of the population where social justice is a dirty word. At the same time, it’s a relief that we don’t have to hide our true feelings any more and for what it’s worth, I think the honesty of our age will have a net positive benefit. I’d rather be branded an “SJW” and shunned by idiots than continue to pretend to be indifferent to RWNJ talking points.
I have read and re read your article 3 times… and have yet to see racist remarks from either side… I see a huge disagreement in the beliefs of both friends… ( Is someone “racist” because they don’t believe in the same social issues at you?) Granted, Its time to part ways as I see no hope for the friendship But I see no reason for you to call your “ex” friend racist. I can see by the comments here you are preaching to the choir. But why do people have to be “racist” to disagree with the president??? Were the Bush haters also racist? Honestly, You two should get back together, As you are really a lot alike.
Thank you for this thoughtful editorial. I am struggling with something similar and it spoke to my heart.
Wow. Late to this editorial, but it was super compelling.